Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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