theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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