I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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