i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
