mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
