literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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