I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
