i don't like sucking hair
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
