I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
In America we eat man semen.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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