you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
