1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i think my mom watched the whole time
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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