i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
