I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
