Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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