the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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