the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Sext me about skeletons
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
