I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
