Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
