it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
