i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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