dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
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