I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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