I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
