Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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