I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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