Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
