Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
