I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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