im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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