your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
