Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
