i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
