I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Let's paint friendship bongs
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
