I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Randomize
