I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
