Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
