I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize