My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
