So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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