what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
