Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
