My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Randomize