well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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