That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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