Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
