Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
