I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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