I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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