There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
