my soul wont recognize me after tonight
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
