If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
