i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
