She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
