seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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