I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
