Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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