a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
